Sylvia's Figs

by James Buchanan Fan Club

supported by
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

      name your price




The second album by James Buchanan Fan Club about death, embezzlement, imagination, misogyny, and New England river spirits (among other things).

Thanks to all who followed the release of this album. Please listen to it either a) loudly or b) with a good pair of headphones.


released May 25, 2016

John Belmont - glockenspiel, guitar, kazoo, keyboards, mandolin, recorder, snapping, ukulele, vocals

Select audio on Track 1 is from the 1994 film Forrest Gump. Select audio from Track 3 is from the 2013 television show Rick and Morty. Select audio from Track 4 is from the 1983 television show He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Track 4 also features sampled lyrics from the 4 Non Blondes song "What's Up?" Select audio from Track 7 is from a YouTube video of jungle noises. Select audio from Track 8 is from a YouTube video tutorial on the baseball/hockey classic "Charge!".

Recorded in John's bedroom in Winston Salem, North Carolina
All composition and lyrics by John Belmont except "Cubs in Five", which was written and composed by John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats in 1995
Mixed and mastered by John Belmont
Album Art - The Fool (Tarot Card) (obtained for use via Public Domain)



all rights reserved


James Buchanan Fan Club Harrisonburg, Virginia

James Buchanan Fan Club (formed 2015) is an alternative / folk / indie project and brainchild of Harrisonburg resident John Belmont, with some occasional contributors.

contact / help

Contact James Buchanan Fan Club

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: Die
[Forrest Gump sample]

I'll hook the electrodes
Right up to your brain
I'll do the experiments
To take away the pain
I'll dissect your organs
I'll investigate the source
I will find the perfect chemical
And let it take its course
You are not going to die
You are not going to die
You are not going to die as long as I'm living

Kick up on the dosage
Put ointment on your skin
Get a tiny camera
To see what's down within
I'll find the missing item
To stop the tumor's growth
I don't have time for sleeping
I made a solemn oath
You are not going to die
You are not going to die
You are not going to die as long as I'm living

And if I have to I'll find
Some kind of altar to pray to
And if I need his advice
I'll find some yogi to save you
And if the Devil himself
Need only my rotten soul
I'll give it up for your health
I'll sign his satanic scroll

I've only got so much patience
With all these doctors and pills
If they don't start to fix something
I'll make them run for the hills
Mom, I need you, don't leave me
I'm going to find the cure
And don't you dare say you're ready
Because I'm not, that's for sure
You are not going to die
You are not going to die
You are not going to die as long as I'm living
Track Name: Goodbye, Planet Earth
On fluffy sheets and water beds
I wait for you to poke your head
Into my room just like you said
You'd do before the morning
I bought us pepperoni pizza
And if you need it some magnesia
Luckily there is no visa
Martians give no warning
You come down in a beam of light
Flashing red and yellow, black and blue and green and white
You come down the starboard bow
Disobeying space and time to take me up somehow
You come down to my father's house
He won't know what's happened, we'll be silent as a mouse
You come down and I'm free again
The last time I was free I don't know when

Goodbye, planet earth
Goodbye pain and suffering and goodbye to Colin Firth
Goodbye, no more amends
I'm off to see the universe with my green new-found friends

I'll miss the books and games I played
But mankind's evil is repaid
When lasers from the ship I'd sprayed
Kill every single person
The melting bridges fall apart
And I'll put life on full restart
Don't worry I don't have a heart
To blacken or to worsen
We will go where I'll be alone
No more belts or hands will touch me on my starry throne
We will go where I'll make the laws
I'll exercise my power from my great and righteous jaws
We will go and see Betelgeuse
Draco and the galaxies where no one feels abuse
We will go and we'll be friends
And joy will never, ever have to end

Goodbye, orb of hate
Goodbye earth-bound losers bet that you don't feel that great
Goodbye, Major Tom
I'll lap your frozen corpse into the black and frigid calm
Track Name: Knight in Shining Armor
Hounds in the darkness gnash their teeth and snarl loud
And I push myself through the evil orkish crowd
All my foes closing in
But with Excalibur I'll win
On my steed I cut down foes like scythes cut grain
A face like yours is worth a thousand years of pain
Royal standard at my back
As I brace for the attack
I am a knight in shining armor
Come to slay the mighty beast
You don't know me, I doubt you know that I exist
I'm likely who you'd expect least

Flailing winds and drumbeat thunder rumbles on
Necromancers' armies spin flaming batons
I will crush the undead
If it means I find your bed
Carnage rises to my knees as I progress
I can see your cage, my damsel in distress
Someone else holds you there
But here comes tender love and care
I am a knight in shining armor
Come to finish up my quest
You don't know me, I doubt you know that I exist
But I promise for the best

I can see you in my dreams
I can hear your voice so clear
You're so glad that I've rescued you
If only it were as it seems
I wake up and once again I'm back in school
I would talk but all your friends are far too cool
Clean my glasses with my shirt
Feel like life is full of hurt
I am a knight in shining armor
Come to roll a couple dice
You don't know it, but in D&D I'm great
And most of all I'm really nice

[He-Man sample]
Track Name: Mermaid Girlfriend
Going down in my diving bell
Going down into the briny, benthic hell
Going down in my diving suit
My iron boots, sterile, cold and mute
Going down

Swimming by with their shiny scales
Swimming by all the fish and squid and whales
Swimming by with your mermaid's purse
The universe could not we two disperse
Our love nor our love's curse

You are of the ocean
And I am of the land
But I will do my best
To offer you my hand

Walking out in the murky sea
Walking out as the kelp slides over me
Walking out to your cozy cave
Below the waves, my true love's slave
Walking out

Waking up on the beach again
Waking up being told not to pretend
Waking up coughing up the salt
The guard's assault, it's not my fault
Your love in my heart's vault

I am of the real world
And you are of the dream
But turning back to you
Is a common, lonely theme
I am of the waking
And you are of the sleep
And I've got to stay conscious
The ocean's pretty deep
Track Name: Two-Dimensional
You can spot a glimmer in the waves
Hear a secret language bouncing off the mountain caves
Watch closely for a shimmer in the stream
Pay attention and you'll see them lit up underneath a moonbeam

Up among the maple trees and pines
Not far from the swampland and a stone's throw from the treeline
If you ask they'll always be your guide
But you will have to hunt for them and find out where they hide
They may seem two-dimensional
But they're not two-dimensional

When the summer lady brings the light
If you aren't strong enough then they will do you right
But when the winter eagle comes again
If you need a helping hand you'll find them even then

Standing in the land
That Tabladak has made
Hoping that my friends
Have not begun to fade
There are many monsters in the world
Wizards, ghosts, and heartless men with talons sharp and curled
Those who always love you will be there
Even if you think they've vanished off into the air
Track Name: Huitzilopochtli
You need blood that's what you say
So the sun rises every day
And if I blame you for storms and drought
Then you'll put my whole kingdom out

You want me to flay my slaves
And you want me to worship waves
And you say stars can tell my fate
But I can't see them all that great
But I don't believe you
And you don't believe in me
I don't believe in Huitzilopochtli

You bring your friends along
And their chokehold is just as strong
And they want me to play their games
When I can't even say their names

You tell me to worship maize
And you want me to sing your praise
And you say that it's suicide
To go without my left-hand guide
But I don't believe you
And you don't believe in me
I don't believe in Huitzilopochtli
No, I don't believe you
On this point especially
I don't believe in Huitzilopochtli
Track Name: Cubs in Five
They're going to find intelligent life up there on the moon
And the Canterbury Tales will shoot up to the top of the bestseller list
And stay there for 27 weeks
And the Chicago Cubs will beat every team in the league
And the Tampa Bay Buccs will make it all the way through January
And I will love you again
I will love you like I used to
I will love you again
I will love you like I used to

The stars are going to spell out the answers to tomorrow's crossword
And the Phillips Corporation will admit that they made an awful mistake
And Bill Gates will single-handedly spearhead the Heaven Seven team revival
And the Chicago Cubs will beat every team in the league
And the Tampa Bay Buccs will make it all the way to the top
Track Name: Acrisius
I've just received word that my grandson is going to kill me
The oracle said that my grandson is going to kill me
But if I lock up his mom
It won't matter, be their knife or be their bomb
From that tower, there'll be no grandson who can kill me

Someone got into the tower; my daughter's pregnant
Somewhat unlikely but I promise, my daughter's pregnant
But if they're locked in a chest
Into the sea they'll be floating either east or west
And that'll be the last time my daughter will ever be pregnant

[Kazoo solo]

It's been a long time since I did the thing that I did
Can't say I regretted doing the thing that I did
Now here at the games of skill
Being free from the fickle gods' tortured will
I'll distract myself from that awful thing that I did
Track Name: Eulogy
A hundred skeletons beneath my feet
But only one matters
I forgot to get flowers
And we talked for a couple of hours
I brought the paper that you'll never read
That I bought from the hot dog vendor
The Broncos won out in Denver
And ISIS just will not surrender

I mention friends of yours you wont' see again
And I leave a letter from your brothers
They moved back into your mother's house
But I don't know about all the others
A mild breeze comes in bumbling along
Through the stones with the numbers and names
Or Presbyterian flames
Others still with the words of Saint James
I will not forget you
I will not forget you

The hydrangeas that I left last week
Are due for replacing
Your name could do with retracing
And I never liked your surname's spacing
They ought to trim the willow by the pole
With the branches growing up the in the wires
Maybe I'll get my pliers
And bring the wrath of the friars

I don't like crying but it's starting again
And I can almost hear you tell me you love me
I think you're up there above me
I know you think the world of me
A pigeon flutters on the roof of the car
And it flies off into the distance
You were a gift to existence
And I'm proud to have seen your persistence